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If Hillary Clinton wants Donald Trump to lose, she should endorse him | The Star

If Hillary Clinton were to meet an untimely demise tomorrow, Donald Trump would collapse, pound his tiny fists on the ground and bawl like a newborn.

What? She’s gone? But what will I talk about now?

If you watched the U.S. president’s official re-election rally in Orlando on Tuesday night, you probably shouted out questions to a digital assistant: “Hey, Siri, what year is it? Alexa, have I been in a coma for three years? Hey, Google, when will these Trump-loving lunatics realize their naked emperor is now mailing it in like a heroin-addled rock star who hasn’t written a Billboard Top 10 since his duet with Russia?”

As MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough put in on Wednesday morning, Trump’s kickoff for a second term felt like the King in late-career decay: “It’s Elvis in ’77, sweating, trying to sing the old hits, but his heart’s just not really in it, right? They know what he’s going to sing before he sings it. They know all the words. And the guy who was once so exciting now is just dull.

“He’s still attacking Hillary Clinton,” Scarborough added. “I mean, that’s beyond.”

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Except, it’s not really beyond, given the Pavlovian response of Trump’s trained poodles. If they really cared about policy, if their economic anxiety was legit, they’d be outraged by tax cuts for the rich or hasty tariffs they must now endure as consumers. They’d wonder why Trump is hell-bent on snatching away their health care or rolling back regulations enacted to protect their families. They’d realize the Trump administration was always made up of grifters and bootlickers and scandal-plagued bozos punch-drunk on a MAGA Kool-Aid laced with the cyanide of failure.

They’d finally see Trump was always in this for himself.

But as with any cult, Trump fans are blind to reality. They just want to bask in the radioactive glow of grievance and hate. A Trump rally is, in essence, a pity parade in which the proudly ignorant who’ve never tried to improve their lot in life are united around a laughable fiction that everyone else is holding them down.

With this in mind, attacking “Crooked Hillary,” who — spoiler alert — is not running in 2020, is Trump’s last wild card in light of grim polling data, including his own internal numbers, that project he’s about to get his sizable derriere handed to him by any and every Democratic candidate. If a Talking Elmo ran against Trump in 2020, the early metrics would now predict landslide victory for the furry monster.

At this point, it’s not clear Trump could beat a crash test dummy.

So more than three years after this compulsive “lock her up!” refrain started, all Trump can still sing is Clinton-bashing ditties in the key of F-U. On Tuesday, he mentioned her name more times than Britney Spears cited Kevin Federline in their marriage vows. Like a Led Zeppelin tribute band stuck on “Dazed and Confused,” Trump cycled through old allegations, including ones that are debunked.

Hillary set up an illegal server, he told a crowd that probably doesn’t know the difference between a mainframe and a Fitbit. Hillary destroyed evidence! Hillary revealed classified information! Hillary turned the State Department into a pay-for-play cash machine! She “acid-washed” 33,000 emails!

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I give it a month before he accuses her of tie-dying PowerPoint slides.

Norman Mailer once observed, “Obsession is the single most wasteful human activity, because with an obsession you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer.”

That’s pretty much where Trump is with Clinton.

He’s obsessed. He’s got no answers. So he keeps coming back.

As Dana Milbank, writing in the Washington Post, reported: “Since his inauguration 879 days ago, Trump has mentioned or referred to his 2016 opponent or his presidential predecessor an average of 2.56 times per day, or once every nine hours and 20 minutes, according to computations by Factba.se, a data analytics company.”

But if Trump’s last-ditch plan to win re-election is to pretend he’s still running against Clinton, she could put a giant fly in the ointment with the ultimate act of political trolling: endorsing him.

We already know false flattery will get you everywhere with Trump. Just ask Roger Stone or Kim Jong Un. So imagine what might happen if Clinton started publicly praising Trump and encouraging everyone to vote for him.

The cat would get his tongue. The heads of his followers would explode.

“That there Demon Woman loves Trump? Screw it, I’m with Biden!”

With this one act of diabolical sabotage, Clinton could disarm Trump by stealing his last remaining weapon: badmouthing her. His future rallies would be like eight minutes long. He’d have nothing to say. He’d excoriate “fake news” and then, after chanting “CNN Sucks,” the cap-wearing zombies would decamp to Wal-Mart to buy new flip-flops imported from China that now cost 47 bucks.

A few deceptively kind words from Clinton would be the end of Trump.

“Donald Trump is the greatest president,” coming from her lips, would land like an H-bomb. It would annihilate his talking points. It would turn his narrative to dust.

This would be the poetic justice that has always made America great.

By endorsing Trump, Clinton could kill Trump.

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: @vinaymenon

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